


"Where Do Babies Come From?"

by rahelawriter



Category: Final Fantasy XIV
Genre: Awkward Conversations, Chickens, Comedy, Crack Treated Seriously, Dialogue-Only, Eggs, Extended Metaphors, Gen, Inspired by Meme, Metaphors, The Talk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-26
Updated: 2019-10-26
Packaged: 2021-01-13 17:31:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21189167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rahelawriter/pseuds/rahelawriter
Summary: A simple question from Ryne goes slightly off-the-rails.





	"Where Do Babies Come From?"

**Author's Note:**

> I get writers block for Kinktober and yet I wrote this in like, an hour.
> 
> Inspired by the following meme:
> 
> https://images-ext-1.discordapp.net/external/pq0Ps-OsmQFvBokfzd2Sb15jlHbQUwt6dJ3LdNf5BQk/https/cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/500779998995808263/637439041490386945/IMG_20191025_195347.jpg?width=539&height=683

“Erm… Okay, sorry, just… Gimme a minute to think about how to explain this… SO, uh, Ryne…! Do you like eggs?”

“They’re alright, I suppose. Thancred’s good at frying them for breakfast. But I'm asking about actual, human babies, not chickens. What do they have to do with it?”

"Don't worry, I'm getting to that. And I’m assuming you know how we get eggs?”

“Of course I do! Eggs are laid by hens.”

“Right! But the eggs we eat, thankfully, don’t have any baby chicks in them. Do you know why that is?”

“… No, actually, I don’t. How is it that some eggs have chicks, and not others?”

“Because the regular eggs only need a hen to make them; but a hen is only one parent. For a chick to form inside an egg, then it needs another parent, namely a rooster, to fertilize that egg first.”

“So chicks are only made once the egg is fertilized by a rooster?”

“Yep! And if the egg isn’t fertilized, all the stuff that the chick would have used to grow just falls out inside the eggshell.”

“I see! So it’s like that, but with people…?”

“More or less. Anyone with a womb, their bodies make eggs every month; if the eggs aren't fertilized, then they and all the nutrients that were going to help the baby grow just… fall out. And it's all gross."

"… _Ohhh,_ is _that_ what--"

"Yyyeah. But if one or more eggs do get fertilized by the other parent, then they stay inside the womb and grow until they turn into babies!”

“I understand it now! Thank you so much, Rahela! That clarifies a lot of the things I was confused about. But whenever I asked someone, they would either look really uncomfortable or just tell me I’d understand when I was older…”

“Well, I’m glad it’s all cleared up now.”

“Though, I am still curious.”

“About what?”

“Can you explain a bit more about the ‘fertilizing’ process that requires another parent?”

“… Okay, see, _that’s _the part that everybody is having trouble explaining.”

“Oh, I see… Is there anything you'd be willing to tell me about it?”

“Well… The shorthand for it is… _‘sex.’_ And the reason people don’t usually talk to children about sex, is because it’s both extremely wrong, extremely dangerous, and extremely illegal for children to have sex.”

“Ahhh…”

“In fact, if anyone ever tries to have sex with you before you turn eighteen, or even after then, if you’re not comfortable with it? Stab them.”

“_Stab_ them?!”

“Stab them. A lot. And then go and get Thancred so he can stab the wretch, too. And then come and get me, so I can burn the body. I have full confidence that you can dispatch any would-be assaulters by yourself. But even so, make sure you let us know about it, okay? Anyone who takes advantage of children deserves the most grisly end possible."

“Erm… Thank you, Rahela. I appreciate it.”

"Genuinely. _I will end them._"

**Author's Note:**

> She means that, by the way. Any freaks who try to lewd Ryne will be met with a swift and unceremonious cremation.
> 
> YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. (ʘ‿ʘ)


End file.
